Super Hero Woes

I just threw this together for you guys real quick. No proof-reading, no backspacing, just stream of consciousness writing. Take it with a grain of salt. Amy wants to go to Urban Ore, so it wont get any corrections. Enjoy.

“With great power comes great responsibility.”

-Uncle Ben from Spiderman

My names Xavier, like the professor from X-Men. I’m not super smart, like him, though. Then again, I don’t ride around in a wheelchair, either.

I do have something he doesn’t, though…

I’m strong. Like, really strong. When I was seven years old I scared the Holy Spirit out of my Grandmother when I accidentally lifted their four door sedan above my head in search of a toy that had rolled underneath. When I put down the car, Grandpa was still white-knuckling the steering wheel with eyes as wide as saucers.

At that particular moment, nobody gave me the, “With great power…” speech. No, they thought I was possessed by a demon. Next thing I know, Father Fairfax is stopping by, sprinkling water in my eyes and wielding a Bible over his head like a weapon.

It didn’t take. The exorcism, that is. Probably cause there was nothing to exorcise. My family tried to block out the memory, though I can’t pretend not to have noticed their watchful eyes boring holes through my psyche. What caused my super human strength

I don’t have a clue. Maybe I was bit by a radioactive spider and I just don’t remember. I could be an alien for all I know. Whatever the reason, I have this curse, or gift, depending on how you want to look at it.

Spider-Man, with Toby McGuire, came out when I was sixteen years old. I was sitting in the movie theater when Uncle Ben comes on the screen with his bullet riddled body and manages to squeak out a nugget of wisdom before his eyes rolled back in his head, and he made that gurgling noise signifying death. It was a sad moment, I teared up. If you haven’t seen it, I recommend you watch it.

Well, imagine you’re me, sitting there watching poor Uncle Ben gasping for his last breath of air, and you’ll probably think he’s talking directly to you. Or at least I did. I saw Spider-Man and all he stood for, and I was like… yeah, I owe it to the people of Danderville Ohio to be all I can be.

No, I didn’t enter the military. I did something better.

I sewed together a costume.

It was a little rough, but it came together. I had a blue cape fashioned from an old faded blanket given to my parents when they had my baby brother. Here’s something I learned in all of this… Canary blue is not an intimidating color for a masked avenger.

That’s alright, though. Cause my sparkling red tights would definitely let the bad-guys know I meant business. Here’s something they never tell you in the superhero movies. Lycra is not a very strong material. It rips very easily. When you’re running in and out of burning buildings, sure, it breaths well, but you might as well be running naked.

Oh, and choosing a superhero name… not as easy as you might think. I wanted something cool. Something to show that I was out to protect the innocent people of Danderville. More than anything, I wanted to be badass… what’s more badass than..

The Hit Man!!

I don’t know, but I’ll tell you what is NOT bad ass. I sent the lettering on my green and neon orange shirt to a seamstress. That level of sewing was outside of my ability level. There must have been some sort of mix-up cause when I got it back it said…

The Hi Man!!!

Seriously, say that five times fast and you’ll realize it’s a different type of innocence I’ll be protecting. I almost gave up right there and then. The seamstress must have hit her busy season or something cause it was going to be a couple weeks until she could fit me back in to fix it.

Whatever, crime fighting takes place at night… nobody will even notice, most degenerate criminal types can’t read anyhow.

So, there I am… ragged canary blue cape with white spots from my brother’s vomit. Red spandex that seemed to make me glow in the dark, with a dark green/neon orange long sleeve shirt that said… The Hi Man across the chest.

Tuesday night came and I snuck out my bedroom window. The air was crisp against my face as I leapt from the second story to the ground.  Landing on the ground with a loud thud, I crouched low as the motion light to the backyard came on. Staying low I crept out of the light to hide behind my dad’s barbecue. I waited a couple minutes until I was sure the guards hadn’t noticed before I disappeared in the shadows. I re-emerged on the other side of the house gunning for freedom on my 12 speed huffy. Mashing the peddles like my life depended on it, I put as much ground between The Hit Man and my secret identity. It’s the only way to protect the ones we love

I didn’t have a plan. In a cesspool of 2,000 people like Danderville, I assumed it wouldn’t be too hard to find some nay-do-wells. The streets were quiet as I peddled down mainstreet. My tires hummed against the black asphalt. Glancing at my watch, it was already 10:34.

Prime crime time, I told myself. Better stay extra alert.

As I rounded the corner of 1^st and Main St, my spider senses began tingling. There at the end of the street, a man dressed in dark clothing was loading boxes into the back of a white panel van. Robbing the place of high end electronics no doubt!

Vaulting off my bike, I sprinted down the street towards the man.

“Hey you!! Stop what you’re doing!” I said, my cape flapping in the wind.

The man must have been guilty cause he dropped the box with a loud thud as he ran back into the building. I pulled on the door, but it was no use, he had locked it from the inside.

“You’re not going to get away that easy.” I said taking a few steps back. With a running start, I lowered my shoulder and plowed through the front door. Wood shards exploded in all directions as I went hurdling through the entrance.

The door rattled off its hinge before filling the darkened building with dust as it slammed into the floor. Standing on the other side of the room, the criminal, wide-eyed with guilt, sprinted up the stairs to the second floor.

He was only a few steps in front of me as I crested the stairs. A door slammed shut at the other end of the hallway. In the darkness I fumbled towards the sound. There came a scratching sound from the other side of the wall.

Surely this nefarious villain was holding innocent people captive on the other side of the wall. I pummeled the brick wall with my fist filling the hallway with debris. Poking my head through one of the holes I had created, I peered into the darkness, but could not see the prisoners.

Oh, what a fool I had been. I fell for the oldest trick in the book. Look a distraction. And distracted I was. Not anymore. I wouldn’t be fooled any longer.

Barreling through the door he had closed before my fight with the wall, I followed in hot pursuit up a spiral stair case leading to the roof.

There will be no escape this time, I told myself as I paused at the top of the stairs. The metal stairs were welded in place, but it was no match for my superhuman strength. Metal twisted and snapped as I ripped the stairs from where they were fastened to the wall.  With a mighty kick, I dislodged the staircase and sent it tumbling into the darkness.

The man stood, cowering and defiant, on the other side of the roof as I approached. He pleaded for mercy, but there would be none.

“I’m taking you in, bozo.”

“For what? Please, take my wallet, take my keys…please don’t hurt me!” he said dropping to his knees.

“You can’t barter with Justice, pal.” I said stepping closer.

The man must have been in his late thirties. Moon light shimmered off his sweaty bald head. His suit and tie were dirty from all his evil-doings no doubt.

I took him by the collar and hoisted him to his feet. As I did, the floor suddenly swayed under foot.

“What have you done?” I pulled the man’s face close to my own. “Did you rig this place to blow?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about! You’re crazy!”

“If you call justice crazy, then yeah… I’m crazy.”

Scooping the man up in my arms I jumped on top of the wall. The ground swayed 30 feet below as I perched atop the narrow walk-way.

“Death would be a mercy you don’t deserve. You’re going to jail.”

“What’re you doing? Please, please, put me down.”

Taking a step forward, the cool air whizzed by my face as we flew into the darkness of night. A high pitch shriek pierced the air as the ground came rushing towards us. I held the man tight in my arms, as I landed on the ground.

Absorbing the impact with my legs, the man’s body twisted oddly in my arms. A crack like a whip broke the screaming for a moment. Looking down, the man lay mangled in my arms. His back snapping from the impact against my biceps.

Holding the broken man in my arms I realized I probably shouldn’t have taken the jump. While I was strong enough to withstand the fall, even in my arms, he was not.

A couple lights had flickered on in the homes across the street. No doubt they had heard the man’s screams moments before. Kneeling down I placed the man’s gelatinous body in the grass.

The wind cut through my blazing red spandex and my canary blue cape fluttered in the wind as I ran away.

Maybe I’m not cut out to be a superhero, afterall.